Wednesday March 20th, 2002
Her presence surrounds me though many years have passed. The sun shines on me and she tells me: go on. At times I still feel regret. Can I be happy when she isn’t here to share? At times I wonder if she feels the sand under my feet, the breeze that cools me on a sunny afternoon, the words I speak when I’m pleading with her? Does she feel it when music touches my soul? Will our souls always be connected or is she just a figment of my imagination. Did she really exist or were those happy times a facade?
It would be easier to say that she never lived; easier to block her out and pretend that she wasn’t the center of my world. She still is the center of my world and will continue to have that place in my heart. I am sick of lying to myself when the sun beats down on my body and replenishes me. When the scent of the ocean is so strong, it burns. She is the sun, the ocean, the moon, the stars. God created this beauty as symbols for the world’s beloved ancestors. They remind us to move on, to be strong.
Look for signs, keep your eyes open and breathe. Day by day you will see things and know that you are loved and protected. The old saying, “out of sight, out of mind” does not apply here. Take the time to let your body feel. It takes a while but when the time comes, it will hit you. A weight will be lifted from your shoulders, you will exhale and be at peace with your thoughts. Acceptance doesn’t ever mean that you’re comfortable with your loss. It simply means you are in tune with the spiritual world. Although your life will never be the same, it is still your life to live and you finally made the choice to live it. It becomes easier to speak and share their name. You can finally laugh as you remember. You feel healthy again, ready to take on the world. The fear of change and resistance no longer pain you. You are ready to charge through life. You realize how short life really is. It’s much too short fear the unknown. Entirely too short to ignore the voice directing you toward your dreams. Your dreams are the only thing that will keep you sane. Do not ignore the voice. It lives deep inside your heart and fights to teach you every day. All the good who have gone before us sing in unison with the voice.